I guess it's time..

I don't want to be writing this. I wish this was all a bad dream so when I'd wake up, everything would be better. But sadly, this isn't a bad dream and here I am again. I've had another miscarriage.

After my last good ultrasound on the 10th, I was finally feeling somewhat confident. I got Eli all dressed up in his "Big Brother" t-shirt and we took family pictures for our Christmas cards. They were printed and ready to go. That weekend I had some spotting and exactly 1 week after my 10 week ultrasound, the baby had no heartbeat. Since my body had already started bleeding, I went through this miscarriage naturally and on December 21st, exactly 2 years after my first loss, I lost my second baby.  On New Year's Eve I had my follow up appointment to make sure everything passed naturally and got the all clear from my Dr. I was done miscarrying.

 For whatever reason, I took this news easier than the last time. I feel more upset about letting everyone else down, than losing another baby. It kills me to see my parents upset. It kills me to see George break down. But most of all, I feel like I like Eli down. I know he doesn't get it. He's way to young to understand. But I want nothing more than to give him a brother or sister.

And now I don't even know if I want to try again. How much more can my heart take? How many  more times is my body going to let me down? I'm numb to losing a baby. One horrific day in December of 2010 robbed me of any happiness I can get from being pregnant. But I can't take the awkwardness that follows. Those couple weeks following a loss where people don't know what to say or how to treat me. I just don't know if I can go through that again.

Let's not forget the anxiety I'll have when I get pregnant again. I don't like not connecting with the baby right away. I don't like checking the toilet paper every time I wipe for blood. I don't like feeling so jaded and negative when I'm pregnant. With Eli I don't think I ever felt "okay" with his pregnancy until about 20 weeks when his A/S ultrasound came back good. I tried very hard to act happy and positive, but deep down I wasn't secure with him until I knew he was healthy.

I just don't know where we are going from here. If we want to try again, I have to wait until I get my period once, then we are clear medically. But are we ready emotionally? Are we ready to take that plunge. Maybe we'll never know.