I guess it's time..

I don't want to be writing this. I wish this was all a bad dream so when I'd wake up, everything would be better. But sadly, this isn't a bad dream and here I am again. I've had another miscarriage.

After my last good ultrasound on the 10th, I was finally feeling somewhat confident. I got Eli all dressed up in his "Big Brother" t-shirt and we took family pictures for our Christmas cards. They were printed and ready to go. That weekend I had some spotting and exactly 1 week after my 10 week ultrasound, the baby had no heartbeat. Since my body had already started bleeding, I went through this miscarriage naturally and on December 21st, exactly 2 years after my first loss, I lost my second baby.  On New Year's Eve I had my follow up appointment to make sure everything passed naturally and got the all clear from my Dr. I was done miscarrying.

 For whatever reason, I took this news easier than the last time. I feel more upset about letting everyone else down, than losing another baby. It kills me to see my parents upset. It kills me to see George break down. But most of all, I feel like I like Eli down. I know he doesn't get it. He's way to young to understand. But I want nothing more than to give him a brother or sister.

And now I don't even know if I want to try again. How much more can my heart take? How many  more times is my body going to let me down? I'm numb to losing a baby. One horrific day in December of 2010 robbed me of any happiness I can get from being pregnant. But I can't take the awkwardness that follows. Those couple weeks following a loss where people don't know what to say or how to treat me. I just don't know if I can go through that again.

Let's not forget the anxiety I'll have when I get pregnant again. I don't like not connecting with the baby right away. I don't like checking the toilet paper every time I wipe for blood. I don't like feeling so jaded and negative when I'm pregnant. With Eli I don't think I ever felt "okay" with his pregnancy until about 20 weeks when his A/S ultrasound came back good. I tried very hard to act happy and positive, but deep down I wasn't secure with him until I knew he was healthy.

I just don't know where we are going from here. If we want to try again, I have to wait until I get my period once, then we are clear medically. But are we ready emotionally? Are we ready to take that plunge. Maybe we'll never know.

Ultrasound #2...

Was a success!! It was such a nerve wracking time for me. Thankfully this is my last pregnancy because the anxiety I feel during the 1st trimester is horrible. Yes, I know anything can go wrong at any time, but when you have experience a loss, an unknown loss at that, it just doesn't get easier.

Last night before I was going to attempt to go to bed, I wiped some pink spotting when I went to the bathroom. My heart sank. I knew today wasn't going to be good. Thankfully it didn't come back at all between last night and this morning, but it didn't make me any less worried. I ended up in bed at midnight and tossed and turned and coughed myself awake multiple times. I think around 3 I finally fell asleep which meant a whopping 2 hours of sleep. The morning was hectic getting Geo up and off to work, plus getting Eli ready to go stay with my dad. The whole drive I just prepped myself. One minute I was prepping for the worst, then the next I was telling myself that it's be okay. I got there, went inside and waited. I watched TV, but couldn't really tell you what I saw. She called me back, got my prepped and I started to shake as I laid there. The tech asked me if I was okay and I just told her that this is deja vu to my first pregnancy and I was just terrified it was going to end the same way. She told me she was going to get pictures for the Dr., but then she'd let me see the screen when she was done. The ultrasound got underway and the first thing she said was "The baby is just fine in there." Immediately I just sighed this huge sigh of relief and allowed myself to relax and be happy. Everything is right on track for where it should be and again, "Today I am ABSOLUTELY pregnant and I love this baby!"

Here is little Padawan - 9 weeks, 5 days.

Weeks 8 and 9

I know I'm late, but my mind is getting the best of me. I wasn't this anxious with Eli, and I think this time around I am because it's within the same time frame of my first that I lost. We wouldn't find out for about 2 more weeks, but this is about the time when my last pregnancy ended. I go Monday for an ultrasound so I'm just hoping and praying that this pregnancy won't end like my first. Poor Eli is sick and the Christmas hustle and bustle is keeping my mind busy, but when I sit down with time on my hands, I start to think. But, never fear - here is my 8 and 9 week check in!

How big is baby:

"Now she weighs in (yay!) at about .04 ounces and measures about .63 inches.

 This week, she's growing about a milimeter each day."

" We are now a fetues! She's gaining steam! At 9 weeks, your fetus measures around 

.9 inches and weighs about .07 ounces."

How far along?: 9 weeks! 3 to go until 2nd trimester!

Maternity clothes?: I've been living in them.

Movement:  Not that I can feel

Stretch marks?: The ones from Eli are fading! Yay!

Sleep?: Still pretty awesome!

Symptoms?: Still tired. I've been getting RLP (round ligament pain) as well. Ouch! And the gas bubbles don't feel all that great either.

Food cravings: Eh.. I have a love/hate relationship with food.

Belly button in or out?: Innie still.I hope it doesn't pop out this time.

What I miss:  A good glass of wine.

What I'm looking forward to:  Monday for the ultrasound.

Milestone: We'll get to one Monday so long as the ultrasound is good.

Belly Pic(s):

7 weeks! Turkey Day edition

With all the craziness of the Thanksgiving holiday, I'm a little late here. But, I got some amazing deals in my Black Friday shopping craziness so it was worth it!

How big is baby?:

 "Your .51-inch embryo doesn't exactly tip the scales just yet but she's developing like crazy. 

She's already doubled in size since last week."

How far along?: 7 weeks! Yay!

Maternity clothes?: Still in the jeans! I live in my yoga pants too.

Movement: Not yet.

Stretch marks?: Just the ones left over from last time.

Sleep?: Still pretty awesome!

Symptoms?: Tired, tired and tired! The heartburn is coming back too.

Food cravings: I had one today! Grilled cheese.. Yum!!

Belly button in or out?: Innie

What I miss:  My energy and nice hair.

What I'm looking forward to:  The end of the 1st trimester!

Milestone: Getting through Black Friday shopping intact!

Belly Pic: This is from Thanksgiving, which is why it's a day late!

We have a heartbeat!

I am so excited!! I know a HB doesn't mean that things still can't go wrong, but at least for today, I'm happily pregnant. We got to the office right at 730 and sat and waited. And waited. And waited some more. Obviously the u/s tech was running late because I didn't even get back until almost 8. Anyway, I got undressed and sat and waited. I was shaking I was so nervous. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over my anxiety when I go for ultrasounds. So, the tech came in, someone new this time, and explained how this would work. In my head I'm screaming "I've done this already, just get on with it!!!", but I was polite and kept my mouth shut. She informed me that the earliest she's ever seen a HB on this machine was 5w6d. Well, I'm happy to announce I beat her record!!!

 

(The little speck in the red circle is Baby Padawan!)

Little Padawan was measuring  5w5d and had a HB of 104! I was a little nervous at first since I know 104 is low, but she assured me that it's perfectly normal since HB probably started beating within the last 24 hours so it was acceptable. *huge sigh of relief*  I go again on 12/10 for another ultrasound, so hopefully *crosses fingers* everything will still be good and we can announce this pregnancy around Christmas!!

Today I am ABSOLUTELY pregnant and I LOVE my baby!!